I decided to go away for a while on Friday, to find a foreign getaway in a familiar land.
It was beautiful disappearing amongst books, friends waiting to be discovered on spines of all sizes. Three floors of glorious eccentricities to enchant and distract, all lain in and around invitingly warm wooden shelves so unlike the practical steel shelving in the modern bookshop.
A little island of literary chaos and history in so many fascinating forms. German whistles, scores of little cameras, an endearingly odd collection of glasses, maps which remind us of what some countries were once like, absurd postcards, tiny leather-bound copies of Shakespeare, typewriters which were probably saved from dusty closets and dustbins and much, much more.
It was suddenly blissfully easy to forget everything, to leave all my confusing, miserable baggage at their doorstep. And when I stepped out, hours later, with good paperback friends in hand, I think I walked right past those bags and went home without them.
I was fifteen minutes from where you live this evening. It was already close enough to make me wretched.
So close that I couldn’t help but walk that way, your way in a pathetic attempt to close this yawning uncrossable gap between us that no steps can shorten.
I didn’t make it rain, it just did, appropriately. It was a sad sort of incessant dripping, a bit like the way our friendship had fallen apart. There were no dramatic thunder claps, no sky-splitting lightning strikes. Just drop after drop down the drain.
I find myself at your front door, a little wet and cold, very much bewildered. I’m not sure what I expect to get from your door. Perhaps it was just because it was the one door that I could knock on and possibly, just possibly you would appear.
You aren’t home now, I know that. But it doesn’t stop me from hoping. I sit down beside it, feeling like a beggar but it’s not your money I’m after. It’s odd and comforting, your almost-presence. I start talking to you, telling you everything, the worries and wishes. You could be listening but aren’t and that helps the words flow without awkwardness.
When I’m finished, I don’t find your silence disheartening but I do wish for your shoulder terribly. I clean-up some and wonder if I should wait until you bring your shoulder to me. But the real you will probably be tired and not understand.
So I leave with a dry face and lighter heart without looking back. And my cold hands shake only a little.
HOMG KILLER GAS-CRAMPS KILL ME NOW.
BATTEN DOWN THE HATCHES.
THE MONSTER SAYS YOU ALL SHOULD DIE. NOW. BITCHES. BEFORE I GNAW YOUR LIMBS OFF.
Speaking of eating, INTESTINAL DISTRESS.
Just re-watched The Breakfast Club. I can’t say I can completely relate to ‘American Youth in the Eighties’ but I do understand being confused, wondering about the future and not feeling entirely okay underneath whatever image you decide to project.
Also, there’s probably a more eloquent, more poetic way to say all of the above.
“The word love can refer to a variety of different feelings, states, and attitudes, ranging from generic pleasure to intense interpersonal attraction. This diversity of uses and meanings, combined with the complexity of the feelings involved, makes love unusually difficult to consistently define, even compared to other emotional states.”—Wikipedia
"On January 9, 2010 the band made its first US public appearance by shooting four new music videos in Hollywood. The four videos that were shot were for Rusty Nail, Jade, Endless Rain and I.V.. A video for Kurenai was also shot on January 14 in a secret location, while additional filming will continue until February.
On February 1, 2010, Yoshiki confirmed that X Japan will be performing at Lollapalooza in August. Later that month, Yoshiki announced at a press event for his jewelry line that the band would be relocating to Los Angeles, CA with a concert being planned for a “simple” venue in the Los Angeles-area to mark the band’s first official North American engagement before the Lollapalooza Festival in August. In a recent interview with Yoshiki, he claims that X Japan have been receiving offers to play at venues within the United States. It has also been announced that a 6th album is in the works expected to be released in August.”
And wouldn’t my, wouldn’t anyone’s possessiveness be justified when it was all in anticipation of that dreadful day when you find that all you have left to offer anyone is a comfortable compromise?
Not a greedy move for empowerment but a wild-eyed act of desperation. It is clinging to the hand pushing you off a cliff and embracing, oh embracing that fist in your gut. Surely you cannot help clutching to you that merciful strike, beating you to sense and sensation. The pain blossoms like life and love and so much foolishness.
"I’ll take it, by God, I’ll take it!", you yell, as if your everything relied on this bid. The problem is that you cannot possibly know that until it is too late.